tl;dr (i_am_tl_dr) wrote,

soundtrack: questionable content

Questionable Content: A soundtrack for Quentin, as he was and as he is and as he's slowly becoming. (And Tyler Jordan too, because he's not becoming anything without Tyler Jordan's love.)

Mountain Goats - Autoclave

When I try to open up to you, I get completely lost
Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost
And I reach deep down within but the pathways twist and turn
And there's no light anymore and nothing left to burn

I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no emotion that's worth having could call my heart its home
My heart's an autoclave

Quentin is an angry, angry, profoundly unhappy boy. He hasn't been genuinely happy since he was eight years old. He sort of doubts whether he can be genuinely happy.

Sleater-Kinney - Fade

All of the roles that we played
Hit your mark, push the walls, stretch the stage
Oh, what a price that we paid
My dearest nightmare, my conscience, the end
Unbelievable masquerade
Never revealing your truth
Deeper inside that mask you made
Losing the face of you

The drama club at school gives him a way to express himself, and a way to hide the truth of himself so deeply that he loses sight of it completely. Quentin is a very convincing actor-- of course he is, he's constantly putting on an act.

Green Day - Basket Case

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Or am I just stoned?

He doesn't feel stable, because he isn't stable. He is melodramatic, and neurotic, and kind of paranoid... and often stoned.

Weezer - Hash Pipe

Come on and kick me
You've got your problems
I've got my ass wide
You've got your big G's
I've got my hash pipe

He gets his ass kicked a lot. Like a lot a lot. He's constantly getting into (and usually losing) fights, and then he gets high and pokes at his bruises.

Mountain Goats - High Doses #2

spat out my morning prayers
desperate pleas and vicious lies.
felt the sunlight through the grating,
covered up my eyes.
woke up feeling awful
shook my head to drive the ghosts away
this is just a flesh wound
and it will clear up any day.
but the present i got planned for you pricks
is gonna be a little harder to fix.

Such an angry boy does angry things. His temper is quick to rouse, slow to dissipate, and he takes a lot of pleasure in being mean.

LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrself Clean

talking like a jerk
except you are an actual jerk
and living proof that sometimes friends are mean
present company expect it present company
just laugh it off, it's better than it seems

Quentin: actual jerk.

Passion Pit - The Reeling

look at me oh look at me is this the way i'll always be (oh no, oh no)
now i pray that somebody will quickly come and kidnap me (oh no, oh no)
everyday i lie awake and pray to god today's the day (oh no, oh no)
here i am oh here i am oh when will someone understand? (oh no, oh no)

and all at once i feel this, oh how it clings to me
it reels and calls me towards it, confounding destiny
and i can feel the madness inch by inch
the more i run the more i am convinced

He wishes someone could understand him as much as he wishes he could understand himself. Because no one understands him at all.

Arcade Fire - Modern Man

So I wait in line, I'm a modern man
And the people behind me, they can't understand
Makes me feel like
Something don't feel right
Like a record that's skipping
I'm a modern man
And the clock keeps ticking
I'm a modern man
Makes me feel like
Makes me feel like
In my dream I was almost there
Then they pulled me aside and said you're going nowhere

He knows something isn't right, but he doesn't know how to make it right, and all his fumbling attempts only seem to make it worse.

Motion City Soundtrack - L.G. Fuad

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

It's not like he really wants to be this fucked up. He just doesn't know how to be normal.

Panic! at the Disco - Oh Glory

If I wake in the morning
I only need two more miracles to be a saint
Everything I promised everyone I'd be
Well I just ain't
Lately it seems like everybody's sick everybody's dying
Build myself a wall of unhappy hearts
And only my heart knows my head is lying, lying

So deep in denial that he almost believes his own lies. But he's heartsick all the time.

Modest Mouse - Spitting Venom

Well you were spitting venom at most everyone you know
If you truly knew the gravity you'd know just where to go
Well let it drop

My ears were pressed so firmly right against your mouth to hear
When you tried to spit the venom out your words were not so clear
Now drop

Hold on to what you need
We've got a knack for fucked up history
Hold on to what you need
We've got a knack for messed up history

Quentin's got an acid tongue to match the acid it feels like his heart is marinating in. Not many people make the attempt to translate his words out of the venom.

Panic! at the Disco - Turn Off the Lights

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight
I've got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

So sick of wasting all my time
How in God's name did I survive?
I need a little sympathy
Too sore my insecurities
Our consciences are always so much heavier than our egos
I set my expectations high
So nothing ever comes out right

Then one night his attempt to start a fight goes sideways and he finds someone who will offer him the sympathy he needs so desperately.

Modest Mouse - Bukowski

Well see what you wanna see. You should see it all.
Well take what you want from me. You deserve it all.
Nine times out of ten our hearts just get dissolved.
Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall.
But one time out of ten, everything is perfect for us all.
Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall.

Quentin's track record is pretty abysmal. But he can't fail every time.

Guster - Parachute

What was that moment for which we live?
Without a parachute about to dive
I find myself convincing
Blindly falling faster
How easy
Know the place I’m leaving
And the rest just is gone
Oh the adoration
But how much strength does it take
For exploration
For split decision
Or are you stronger to remain

Having a friend is one thing. Having a friend who's right there beside you in every stupid amazing thing you do together is a whole other thing.

Arctic Monkeys - Mardy Bum

I see your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Even Tyler Jordan can't turn Quentin into a sunshine person. A storm cloud's gotta rage sometimes, after all.

Ingrid Michaelson - Parachute

I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody
They wanna push me down, they wanna see you fall down
I won't tell anybody that you turn the world around
I won't tell anybody that your voice is my favorite sound
I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody
They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall down
I don't need a parachute, baby if I've got you
Baby if I've got you, I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me, you're gonna catch if I fall (Down, down, down)

Quentin isn't really open about their relationship. (They're not particularly good at downplaying it sometimes, though.) Even though Tyler Jordan is the most important person in the world to him, he doesn't want everyone to know about it. They're not even Facebook official for a couple of years.

Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard

I wanna scream 'I love you' from the top of my lungs
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me
You can only blame your problems on the world for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song
As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town
And get new passports and get get get get get out now

And at some point, the secrecy is more a matter of habit and fear of proving everyone who's ever made insinuations about him right. Quentin desperately loves Tyler Jordan, though. He can only stay quiet about that for so long.

The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine
Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care

"If you die from doing something stupid, I want to be right next to you doing the same stupid shit, and it has to make a good story for someone to tell after we’re dead. None of this bullshit car accident stuff.”

Bloc Party - Real Talk

Can we get real for a moment?
You’re my one and only friend

I was so sure, I was faulty
And not able to love
But then you crept up on me
While I was dreaming
Whispered love into my ear

My mind is open
And my body is yours
Show me the sign

Tyler Jordan did something Quentin thought was impossible: got him to stop hating himself enough to love someone back.

Fall Out Boy - It's Not A Side Effect Of The Cocaine, I'm Thinking It Must Be Love

Why can you read me like no one else?
I hide behind these words
But I'm coming out
I wish I kept them behind my tongue
I hide behind these words
But I'm coming out

Put your hand between
An aching head and an aching world
We'll make them so jealous
We'll make them hate us

Eventually, Quentin has to come clean about it. Coming out of the closet isn't like ripping off a band-aid. But he has Tyler Jordan right there to hold him up whenever he stumbles along the way.

Ani DiFranco - Falling Is Like This

You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"

God only knows where they're going to end up. But as long as they've got each other, they're going to go as far as they possibly can, and they're going to enjoy the fuck out of the journey together.

Cabaret - Maybe This Time

Maybe this time I'll be lucky
Maybe this time he'll stay
Maybe this time, for the first time,
love won't hurry away.
He will hold me fast,
I'll be home at last.
Not a loser anymore,
like the last time and
the time before.

Ev'ry body loves a winner
so nobody loved me.
Lady Peaceful, Lady Happy.
That's what I long to be.

All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win.

Can't end Quentin's soundtrack without a show tune. :D
Tags: quentin kinley, soundtrack, tyler jordan graham
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